Baby Steps

  • Oh, ugh.

  • Ruminating on Kippa’s comment on Joy’s blog. And I have yet to learn how to link these things, to give credit where it is due. But I slog on here exploring.
  • I agree that “on some level” I was aware of relinquishment as abandonment. On a very basic, primal level, I felt the abandonment inside me. That’s where the grief comes from, the horror, because it is “betrayal of their child. And not only of their child, but also of their own integrity.” I split. Trusted nothing when I couldn’t trust myself. My role in the world seemed invalid, my connection broken. I could not value a world that didn’t value me. The point of experiencing relinquishment/abandonment, was disabling. A part of me stopped growing, held on to the injury, and just said fuck you to the world. It was just weird when people affirmed my abandonment or praised it, evidence that that world was c-r-a-z-y. Withdrawal became a chronic pattern. Even when my first daughter found me herself, I depended on her to take the lead, to tell me what kind of relationship I was allowed.
  • Years into our relationship she told me how it hurt that I never asked her about her life. I never asked questions. I just waited for her to reveal herself bit by bit. (side note. It’s funny that this technique works quite well with my other kids. The less I ask, the more they’re willing to spill.)
  • I am working daily to connect to myself and my part to play on this stage. Sometimes it takes days for me to respond, to comment on one of her posts. I’m learning to trust myself, to be myself, instead of trying to conform to some unknown supposed to be.
  • This is why I LOVE blogging. It is teaching me to express myself as I become more aware and sensitive to the adoption community. My local paper put out a big adoptopromo this wknd – frontpage stuff in a small community. I wrote an ecomment, the first of two that showed up. It was a heady experience to have my opinion articulated and read by at least one person. I’m learning to talk! I feel the power of a two year old. Whahoo! Thanks, Kippa.
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2 responses to “Baby Steps

  1. Aww, gf, I so relate to alot of what you wrote. I couldnt really get much into that thread as it really stirred stuff up for me. I found myself feeling very defensive and judged and had to step back and realize it wasnt about me – personally – just though afflicted with same dis-ease I have – adoption trauma.

    Agree with much of what you wrote here.

    Only, one curious point, dont assume asking questions would have made things different. I do that and I get nothing in return. There is no guide book, no set rules, no way to navigate reunion. Nor do I think their can be. Our humanness makes us all different. Same path of adoptoin trauma – different feet stepping on the path.

    Hugs.

  2. “I feel the power of a two year old.”

    Yay! Two year olds rock. Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings cometh forth wisdom. You’re a Wise Woman. And you have a Wise Child.
    That’s for why I read your blogs 🙂

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