rights to grief

Wow. I really do feel this is my little glass house now, with so many wonderful people looking in. I feel a little nervous. Two posts back I had no expectation that I was going to be getting so much attention.

I previewed that post with someone I specifically did not want to offend. She supported me in speaking my own truth. I just had something to express, my thoughts and feelings; no intention of convincing anyone of anything. I wanted to learn if my expression was understood. It was by some who sprang to my support. And others…uh, not so much.

So I want to explain that each and every one of you has a right to your feelings. Each and every one. And yes, our feelings affect our actions which affect each other.

I’ve lost a total of four children. The last miscarriage was after the two I raised were born, and it was relatively easy to come to acceptance and completion with it. I have to say the adoption loss and suffering was far greater than anything I’ve known. It contributed to the grief of the others. It affected every thing I did for decades, mostly in an unproductive fashion.

Hormone therapy was not my experience. My understanding of people’s motivation to try that is from desperation; feeling or believing they have no other options. When asked what kind of person gives their child up for adoption, my answer is a desperate one. I’ve known that desperation.

So we’ve got one woman’s desperation driving her to mess with her hormonal balance and another woman’s desperate circumstances in giving birth. And there in lies the magic of the adoption industry, operating on (enlightened) self interest. Very selfish.

Earlier I suggested that the first desperate group get over themselves, their egocentric selves, in their search for a BABY to love. I did not mean to imply that they needed to hurry up and get over their grief. Grief doesn’t just get up and walk away. It pops it’s head in at the most inopportune times. It’s something we live with. It’s much more forever than a family. Grief is a life experience. It’s part of the real world.

My point of view:

Before trying to take care of someone else’s child, be sure you are fully accepting your own grief. Then you may be more accepting and aware of other’s grief. Perhaps then you may be more able to be truly supporting and considerate of other’s challenges and needs. You’ll find your loving manifest and express in new ways. You’ll be freer. You’ll be free to give.

I was inspired by and grateful for Lillie’s amazing post recently.

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4 responses to “rights to grief

  1. Thank you, J.

    (But, aw shucks, you know it really wasn’t all that amazing, you give me too much credit…) 😉

  2. I don’t see anything wrong with the post you wrote. It was not a trigger for me, I suffer from infertility.

    I agree that we need to find other alternatives for infertility that don’t include adoption. At least that it ought not to be an assumed alternative nor one so easily accepted.

    Maybe you worded a few things a bit harshly, I know I reacted to a few comments there with less tact than normal.

    It got people talking about issues so I am glad you wrote it and I am glad you wrote this post too.

    I think we need to have compassion for those who suffer. As long as they don’t want to alleviate their suffering in a way that creates grief and loss for us….

    Argh, it’s such a complex thing isn’t it?

    My heart leans both towards and away from this subject.

  3. Lillie,
    I mean it. It’s clear. It’s optimistic. I like it.
    Hey Kim,
    It’s interesting and surprising to follow the twists and turns in each reunion and recovery.

  4. GREAT post.
    Hugs, Possum. xxxx

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