I want “to get on with my life”. That long standing illusion goes back to when I was warned about “the real world”. I see a long pattern of impatience, of wanting to get to the good part. It’s happening even now and I’m reflecting on a message I got today –

“As choices present themselves to you, you might feel confused, doubtful, or bewildered.  The future can then become fraught with fear because you can’t predict what’s going to happen.  That fear becomes a form of suffering.     Again, the way to get out of that fear is to bring yourself present, in the now, and live in each moment.  It’s easier to be happy in the moment.”   – John-Roger – (From The Way Out Book, p. 101)  

Hmmmm…. wondering what’s going to happen next? Or what is happening right now? What can I do about it? I want to move on, to the next step in more fully living my life, to freedom in who I am in loving every bit of my life and my family. How do I incorporate this bumpy reunion into the wholeness of every day living? We seem to lurch unsteadily from sweet forgiveness to careening into shame and despair. And it’s all part of the same ride.

My eldest daughter has two mothers (an adoptive and a natural) and two fathers (adoptive and natural). That stretches her out to three families, (plus in-laws). I recently realized I have two families. I’ve been trying to blend them, make them one. But they function independently for the most part.

My spouse is her natural step-father? That sounds weird. Putting natural and step in the same label doesn’t set well. Step is unnatural.

I am now an “empty nester”. Nesting was my passion. Am I now to build another nest? A bigger nest? Grow and fly from nest to nest? Nesting with out borders?

My youngest has been out of the house four years now. We are as close as ever. She called last week to tell me she bought a one way ticket to Central America. Yesterday she called to say she’d been reading my and Joy’s blogs.

Breathe. This is my life. In my previous post I wrote about how immaturity ruled Joy’s, Tomtom’s and my relationship. Today I am savoring the complex flavors of my family stew and loving the drumming of the rain that is filling up our reservoirs and preparing the soil for the bare root fruit trees I bought two days ago.


One response to “Patience

  1. If I were a religious person, I would say “God Bless You” or something that religious people say to note appreciation, hope, admirations etc.

    Since, I am not, I am stumbling so let me say this – your continued strength, perseverance and love in face of what must be incredibly emotional times all around you.

    Just a hug.

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