I wonder whether I’m just digging myself a deeper hole. I know I say things that sound very different than I intend. I’m not sure how much is me and how much is the situation. If I am just digging a deeper hole, I’m going to be able to build one awesome foundation eventually. Dynomite.
Saying I’m connected to you inside, doesn’t mean that your life was within mine; but that your essence is connected to mine. I experienced it internally, not out in the world. We had no contact out in the world.
You were a human being, with real human needs that I could not reach or touch– immense and bewildering needs. When your first called me I saw you as a magnificent beautiful and wondrous creative being and I have always since that time felt honored and blessed to know you. (It’s a mother thing. I think you’re familiar with it.) For years I was ignorant and feeble in my response to you, out of shame and weakness. I wished to rise to your needs but was overcome by my own.
I really thought I should know how to cope with that terribly absurd situation. As though I should know how to handle a grief that had no place to live and your trauma and the deceit we were unable to see through all the while keeping up the ‘good mother’ role as if it was natural — as though I should have known what to do. I didn’t.
Neither you nor Tomtom needs to understand that weakness or failure or whatever you want to call it. The shame of it still burns the back of my neck and my shoulders.
Another touchy misunderstanding is about the word sacrifice. I take issue with attaching the word noble to it. That may be a familiar coupling, ‘noble’ sacrifice, but it doesn’t fit. It sounds martyr like. It sounds like BS.
sacrifice n 1: the act of losing or surrendering something as a penalty for a mistake or fault or failure to perform etc. [syn: forfeit, forfeiture]
That fits my experience. There was no sense of nobility. at. all. It was a sense of penalty, fault, failure, loss.
I had no notion of how much you lost. I have ‘explained’ that. I was brought up in a family that idealized adoption. Akids were accepted completely (except for the huge totally ignoring the losses associated with it). I had never heard anyone put down an adoptee except on crass TV or radio shows. I believed that you were with ‘good’ people, that you were treated by all with respect and appreciation for your beauty, grace and creativity. I may have been shallow and selfish for holding onto the assumption that you were living ‘above’ trashy adoption crap. I may have been protecting myself.
I did think you would want contact with me because I knew you were mine, of me. And I thought it would be something you kept to yourself, hid from your family and friends — a fairy tale notion. I thought in our connection/reunion you would feel known and understood, connected to me in a unique way. But I thought it would be a special bonus to an already wonderful life.
My ignorance was of enormous proportion. I apologize for that.
My first clue was when you told me you weren’t angry with me. I had never considered that you would be angry with me. I regret my ignorance and am grateful for your encouragement and support educating me.
You know I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Dawn is a good reference, a real ordinary girl.
You and I are both real and ordinary. And we have the chance to be responsible for where we are right now and to change anything that we’re still holding onto, that is blocking us from relaxing into who we are and loving what we are. We’re not going anywhere. We’re not getting any younger. We are what we are and we love each other.