No Matter

Adoptee pain doesn’t come in single serving packages. It doesn’t come with little pink plastic disposable bags you find in boxes of feminine hygiene products.

It can be almost like physical contact, like the monster fights in movies, but going on inside your own being. That kind of describes what it feels like to me but I’m the mom, not the adoptee.

Yesterday I got the sweetest blessing though. Joy and I had an opportunity to talk about what’s been going on at her blog and our concerns about feelings of separation. I used to be very afraid of losing her again, of her going away for one of many possible reasons. I had some self esteem issues, srsly. In the past 18 years we’ve been through some cycles and I trust now, that she’ll come back to me. Kids do go away. It’s part of the growing up process. And they come back. Moms are good to have. I miss mine, and my grandmas, even though they live on inside of me. I’m the mom now and I’m glad to be.

So the really cool thing that Joy shared with me is that she said she never feared losing me again, once she found me, we spoke to each other, we reconnected physically. She knew we were together. She’s told me that before and this time it got inside me in an expansive way. She knew she was part of me and I wasn’t going anywhere. She knew, on some level, that we are. That was my intention throughout our separation, to be with her, inwardly, in whatever way she could use. That feels good, so good. No matter what comes up, no matter what separates us, no matter — It will pass. I love her, no matter what. Loving her is my blessing.

I came across an old journal recently, where I’d written, “Thirteen years ago a little girl was born…” I’m glad to know that we are, Together Again no matter what our lives will bring.


7 responses to “No Matter

  1. oh God do I love you.

    you make me cry, but not in a sad way, or in a sad way, but also grateful.

    Ha ha.

    Talking on the phone yesterday, yes, and when I said awful things to you and we laughed about it, and when I talked about Tomtom saying awful things to me, and we said,
    “well that is what kids do”

    Yes, kids do, but so many moms don’t recognize that. You did.

    You recognized my hurt and got over your ego.

    It took me years to accept your love, and I am so grateful that you stuck by me, I was very hurt, but you were bigger than my hurt.

    You are stronger and more loving than my hurt.

    And I was cruel at times, often times.

    I am so proud to be your daughter.

    You have taught me so much, and I am still learning. I am sorry for the ways I have been lame. Even as I write that I know what you would say to me. You would encourage me to grow. I am srsly emo.

    It reminds me of this freak out I had earlier

    It reminds me of missing you, and it reminds me of loving my aparents for encouraging me to find you.

    way to emo now.

  2. why are my you tube links not working?

  3. This post makes me smile. 🙂

  4. I don’t know but I’d love to know what you’re you tubing.

  5. Christian the Lion the song is I will always love you.

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