I cannot change the past. I can’t even change what happened ten minutes ago. I can’t change what my parents or the social worker or the pastor or the counselor did. I can’t change what I did. I can’t change what happened. I can’t change things in the past so that Joy and/or I can experience being loved the way we wanted, or so that I could have expressed the loving that I wish that I had expressed.
To truly live now I must forsake my desires for love and recognition. What can I do with feelings of being abandoned/rejected? I would be pleased to be free of my complaints — Even more pleased to transform them into something I can use.
The past is brought up to me frequently. It is a reference point I can examine for information, without judgment or blame.
I want to keep my energy in the present, to live this moment, now and let the dead bury the dead. I want to live.
So I called my grandson — on his own phone. I’ve talked to him on JOY’s phone before, incidentally, because sometimes he answered the phone when I called. The only previous on purpose call was to wish a Happy Birthday on the message machine. Today I just called his cell phone and he answered. He sounded surprised (no doubt). It had never happened before. He is a young adult — with yet another senior citizen asking him questions now.