Wake Up

“BIRTH MOTHERS: did your family resent you for your decision?

my family and my boyfriends family wants us to keep the baby but we both want to give it up for adoption.. how can i deal with the pressure from our famalies?”

I saw this on yahoo answers a couple days ago and didn’t respond. It’s still on my mind.  My family pressure was in the other direction and I went with it.  I relinquished my firstborn child to adoption.  That family pressure during pregnancy is the tip of the iceberg.  It’s the known part, from your past.  Look at what’s coming in the future, your future family member, the one about to be born.

When you “give it (your baby) up for adoption” you are giving away something that isn’t yours. You’re giving away that child’s birthright, their heritage, their connection to their genetic lineage.

I’ve read about online reunions of people identifying themselves as family based on DNA tests. People that haven’t ever met are finding commonality based on their DNA that is calling them to join an online reunion.

When we give our children to strangers, we are shutting them out of their own genetic family, our genetic family.

Finding oneself pregnant in an ‘unstable’ relationship, is a clear message to start taking more responsibility. The ‘pro-life’/aka adoption agenda says you can ‘place’ your baby in a better home and take your time growing up or sidestep responsibility. Even if that were true, there is a family member (your child) likely to resent the rationalization that you gave “this baby a shot at life”, while shutting them out of your life.

being a birth mother does not mean you dont love your child either.”

Yes, not only do you love your child, you will grieve for your loss much more than you realize beforehand. And you will learn there is likely a day of reckoning ahead of you even if you choose a closed adoption. A day you may secretly or openly yearn for. Our society is becoming more transparent. We are moving closer to open records, which all adoptees deserve.

Wouldn’t you want to know where you came from? Imagine yourself wondering about your roots, your biological origin on this planet.  Wouldn’t you want to know? And when a young adopted adult comes looking for their original parents, yes he or she is often resentful. They may try to hide it or deny it, but resentment gets muddled in with the trauma of losing one’s mother and growing up not knowing why. There is a lot of pain when a child loses it’s mother no matter the child’s age. That pain and loss gets protected with anger and resentment. The child you love has a lot of debris to clear before they can recognize your love, because of the strange way you demonstrate it – walking away from your baby.

Choosing the path of adoption is simply postponing and prolonging your difficulties. If you simply feel you’re too immature to take responsibility for your creation, your pregnancy, your child, you are fooling yourself to think you gain anything by taking a pass now. It’s procrastinating, delaying and compounding your mistakes instead of facing them and taking care of them as they come to meet you.


2 responses to “Wake Up

  1. Totally agree with your statement that we are giving away something that is not ours to give away, our child’s history, connection to his/her family.

    Agree with the last paragraph also. I believe many of us would have gained so much more and avoided so much pain for us and our children by taking on the responsibilities of parenting. It is so important for us to have programs to support mothers, programs that for at least a short while can provide mothers with a place where they can focus on their baby and not worry about outside pressures.

  2. I am a reunited birth mother for 22 years now. I didn’t want to give my daughter up but had no choice in the matter. I would have kept her if I did. A year never went by where her birthdays didn’t haunt me and tear me apart. Even the reunion didn’t diminish the pain of the lost years.

    Now I fight to help birth families find each other in every way I can. I’ve even written a recently published book called Adoption Records Handbook to that end. Adoptive parents are an important part of the equation too and an adoptee doesn’t stop loving them in order to find their answers. They need closure and birth parents need peace of mind and often, they both need to connect.

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