Christmas proved to be a time of quiet blessings.
Early December I experienced anxiety and wishing and wondering about integrating Joy and Tomtom in the family/Christmas activities. Temptation to fit in with my ideal scenes and shoulds tensed my shoulders. I prayed, sent out feelers, fretted — and then sat back and waited to see what would happen.
It was not surprising when the word came that it didn’t feel right for Joy to add me to the holyday mix. In the last couple months I have tremendously disappointed my daughter — again. I’ve tried to “protect” others from the rough emotional drama that she and I indulge in. The luxury of maintaining my front cost a lot.
I took a week off to focus on living in Grace as part of celebrating Christmas, to choose freedom, to be in a state of forgiveness, to give up judgments on my choices and behaviors, my past.
Choosing grace and peace for myself enables me to stand back and observe Joy making choices for herself, not against me. Owning my foibles and missteps in our relationship allows me to see her sensitivity and frustration more clearly. My strongest wish is that she be happy. If she is happier with less contact that is what I want for her.
Transcending the habit of thinking I should be a better mother, or I should make her happy gives me a little more room to breathe, to allow me to be my perfectly imperfect self.
And so this is Christmas
I started blogging to tell my story; as a way to loosen the stuckness inside me. Self judgment about aspects of my experiences choked me. Reading other people’s stories, mainly the ones of loss, helped to accept mine. It was easier recognizing that I was not alone.
I became addicted to frequent bloggers. Reading their stories revealed parts of me that were secreted, more forsaken than forgotten.
Each telling is a little different. Different audience responses changed the way I saw it. I love a compassionate listener. A hostile witness still gives another perspective, more to consider. I get excited in anticipation of a new response.
Gradually the repetition of my and other’s stories and cycles has become familiar, less terrifying. I know some things come and go, like ocean waves and weather patterns. There are times to batten down the hatches. There are times to re examine the story lines and how they serve or don’t serve me. What I think today will affect what I do today and tomorrow. In consideration of all the “little” lies we tell ourselves I read Better living through self deception today. Food for thought.
I put a high value on honesty. I’m known to say what I think. Sometimes it’s better to keep my mouth shut. I’m still working on that. Sometimes I’ve held in too much. Other times I’ve blurted and hurt. It may be a little known fact, but I’m very funny. My sense of humor gets me through life more than any thing. Unfortunately it’s often lost in translation. Another reason to keep my mouth shut.
Another thing that gets me through are wonderful songs. And trust…
“Security lies in the inner awareness that there is no security.” – John-Roger. The Tao of Spirit