Christmas proved to be a time of quiet blessings.
Early December I experienced anxiety and wishing and wondering about integrating Joy and Tomtom in the family/Christmas activities. Temptation to fit in with my ideal scenes and shoulds tensed my shoulders. I prayed, sent out feelers, fretted — and then sat back and waited to see what would happen.
It was not surprising when the word came that it didn’t feel right for Joy to add me to the holyday mix. In the last couple months I have tremendously disappointed my daughter — again. I’ve tried to “protect” others from the rough emotional drama that she and I indulge in. The luxury of maintaining my front cost a lot.
I took a week off to focus on living in Grace as part of celebrating Christmas, to choose freedom, to be in a state of forgiveness, to give up judgments on my choices and behaviors, my past.
Choosing grace and peace for myself enables me to stand back and observe Joy making choices for herself, not against me. Owning my foibles and missteps in our relationship allows me to see her sensitivity and frustration more clearly. My strongest wish is that she be happy. If she is happier with less contact that is what I want for her.
Transcending the habit of thinking I should be a better mother, or I should make her happy gives me a little more room to breathe, to allow me to be my perfectly imperfect self.
And so this is Christmas