Monthly Archives: January 2009

At Last…

Well a little bow to Beyonce.   And a shout out to reunion.

Reunion is about lost loving coming along– at last.  Lonely days may or may not be over.

Whether life is like a song is a recurring question no matter who or what we are.  Are we singing?  Which direction are we facing?  My heart is wrapped in clover when I look on my daughter’s face.  That’s what keeps this reunion going.  With all the wounds and blocks we’ve had to uncover and may yet have to be faced, what’s special is something indescribable awakening inside.  It’s us.
It’s not a dream.  We are able to speak to each other.  The harshest aspects of our relationship pull me out of my lesser selfishness  exposing my weaknesses, pointing out the next place to focus my loving, the next place for me to attend and learn.  We’re growing up.  UP.
It is thrilling.  And it’s thrilling to be in the midst of this transition of power with the attendant excitement in the air.  Obama’s words and countenance are calling us all to step forward in greater ways, to express our greater selves, the selves we have to bring to reunion.

The good is always with us, as is the pitiful and poor and lonely.  I fondly recall Roseanne Rosannadanna helping me realize if it ain’t one thing, it’s another.
Oh yeah when you smile, you smile

And here we are in heaven

For we are
At Last

I celebrated the inauguration while gardening with other volunteers as I do most Tuesday mornings.  There was a buoyancy in the atmosphere, working together, at our version of the neighborhood ball.

In case you haven’t seen your fill of inauguration pictures.  Here is a nice selection.



Waking dreams, hmmmm… Nicole made a lovely post about naming daughters that reminds me of my own naming dilemma before Joy was born.

I remember being in a car, in the dark, following the curve downhill and over the railroad tracks and thinking Gretl would be a good name.  Thinking it was strange that I never liked the name Gretl before.  And in the song For Emily Whenever I May Find Her, I changed the smoky burgundy to crinkly lavendar, as I walked on…

Waking up this morning I saw an unending trail of ultra violet breadcrumbs.

Positions and Illusions

Musical accompaniment

There is no way I can defend my position.  There just isn’t a pretty reason for why I left my baby in the hospital when she was only days old.  There’s not a pretty reason for why I don’t even know how many days old or why  I was so depressed or why I just did as I was told.  Why didn’t I exhibit the spirit, the independence, the wit, the intelligence, the wherewithal, the initiative to take my baby, to take ownership of my own life, to demonstrate the self respect of a decent mother?

I got nothing.
If anyone is disappointed I didn’t do better or be better than I am or was, the feeling is theirs to handle.   I can’t  defend myself.  If I don’t meet your expectations you are free to come and go.   That’s the only level of honesty in which I can work.  Trying to defend against the way it should have been is defending illusions — quite a problem.

I may sound rude or callous.    I say “No.  Stop it.”  I get flippant.   Nasty things have happened in the past.  I’ve done things I pray I won’t be a party to again.  But to carry those things, those sad and lonely things, into this day and the next and the next …   it’s not going to change.  It’s not now.  It’s not cooperating with the present.  It’s not even cooperating with the past.

The past isn’t going to change, whether we accept it or not.  The way we interpret the past can change.  We can look at it with shame and regret.    We can look at it with indignation or pity.  We can look at it with compassion.  There are as many views as there are viewers.

If we drop our illusions about the way it should have been we can move into  cooperation.  If we’re really willing to listen to each other, then we can grow in relationship, even if we don’t agree. If we drop  expectations, we are free to relate and learn and grow. If we lift in consciousness, we can be joyful, and if we don’t lift, we can at least be clear.   Either way, we’re in a better place.

YAY 2009!!!

Whoa!  What a challenge.  See Nicole’s beginning meme for 2009! Thank you, Nicole for prompting me to make good on one my “Changes made in 2008”.  Here are her instructions and my version of fulfilling them.

Directions: Copy and paste these directions and place them at the beginning of your post. Fill in the categories with your own answers. Tag three other people at the end of your post to complete this meme. Don’t forget to link back to the person who tagged you!

Three joyful things that happened to you in 2008:

1. Joy greeted her sister and I with delightful foodstuffs when we came down from Half Dome.
2. Being cared for by strangers when I lost my purse.
3. Attended Living in Grace at Asilomar.

Three things you learned in 2008:

1. To ask more questions as a way to be responsible.
2. I don’t have to do it all, just keep moving.
3. To shoulder shimmy.

Three things that made you laugh in 2008:

1. Stephen Colbert, God bless him.

2. Dancing in front of a mirror


Three things that made you cry in 2008:

1. Barack Obama

2. Wanting to make other people happy.

3. Forgiving myself

Three things that made you smile in 2008:

2. Learning & performing at the All Souls Hafla
3. Orienting new volunteers at the Botanical Garden

Three things you will never forget about 2008:

1. Barack Obama won the presidency
2. The economy revealing our hubris and greatness
3. My brother’s divorce bringing me closer to his family

Three of your nicest memories from 2008:

1. The first apricot off the new tree.

2. Clowning & posing with Ezzy & Buster & mi esposo at Lands End

3. Watching the sunsets from the end of our driveways with the neighbors

Three changes you made in 2008:

1. redefined guilt as an unaffordable luxury
2. taking more initiative to express my feelings and thoughts
3. Trusting myself and God more consciously

Three accomplishments you achieved in 2008:

1. Climbed Half Dome

looking over the ledge on Half Dome

looking over the ledge on Half Dome

2. Submitted Practical Treatise to Peace Theological Seminary
3. Made new friends

Three things you are looking forward to in 2009:

1. Planting cherry and almond trees.
2. Painting and dancing more.
3. Attending my son’s graduation with a masters in math!

I’m specifically tagging: Joy (Joy’s Division), Lori & Rachel (DNA Diaries) and the Fuzzies (Animal House). But also anyone who’d like to play.