There is no way I can defend my position. There just isn’t a pretty reason for why I left my baby in the hospital when she was only days old. There’s not a pretty reason for why I don’t even know how many days old or why I was so depressed or why I just did as I was told. Why didn’t I exhibit the spirit, the independence, the wit, the intelligence, the wherewithal, the initiative to take my baby, to take ownership of my own life, to demonstrate the self respect of a decent mother?
I got nothing.
If anyone is disappointed I didn’t do better or be better than I am or was, the feeling is theirs to handle. I can’t defend myself. If I don’t meet your expectations you are free to come and go. That’s the only level of honesty in which I can work. Trying to defend against the way it should have been is defending illusions — quite a problem.
I may sound rude or callous. I say “No. Stop it.” I get flippant. Nasty things have happened in the past. I’ve done things I pray I won’t be a party to again. But to carry those things, those sad and lonely things, into this day and the next and the next … it’s not going to change. It’s not now. It’s not cooperating with the present. It’s not even cooperating with the past.
The past isn’t going to change, whether we accept it or not. The way we interpret the past can change. We can look at it with shame and regret. We can look at it with indignation or pity. We can look at it with compassion. There are as many views as there are viewers.
If we drop our illusions about the way it should have been we can move into cooperation. If we’re really willing to listen to each other, then we can grow in relationship, even if we don’t agree. If we drop expectations, we are free to relate and learn and grow. If we lift in consciousness, we can be joyful, and if we don’t lift, we can at least be clear. Either way, we’re in a better place.