Positions and Illusions

Musical accompaniment

There is no way I can defend my position.  There just isn’t a pretty reason for why I left my baby in the hospital when she was only days old.  There’s not a pretty reason for why I don’t even know how many days old or why  I was so depressed or why I just did as I was told.  Why didn’t I exhibit the spirit, the independence, the wit, the intelligence, the wherewithal, the initiative to take my baby, to take ownership of my own life, to demonstrate the self respect of a decent mother?

I got nothing.
If anyone is disappointed I didn’t do better or be better than I am or was, the feeling is theirs to handle.   I can’t  defend myself.  If I don’t meet your expectations you are free to come and go.   That’s the only level of honesty in which I can work.  Trying to defend against the way it should have been is defending illusions — quite a problem.

I may sound rude or callous.    I say “No.  Stop it.”  I get flippant.   Nasty things have happened in the past.  I’ve done things I pray I won’t be a party to again.  But to carry those things, those sad and lonely things, into this day and the next and the next …   it’s not going to change.  It’s not now.  It’s not cooperating with the present.  It’s not even cooperating with the past.

The past isn’t going to change, whether we accept it or not.  The way we interpret the past can change.  We can look at it with shame and regret.    We can look at it with indignation or pity.  We can look at it with compassion.  There are as many views as there are viewers.

If we drop our illusions about the way it should have been we can move into  cooperation.  If we’re really willing to listen to each other, then we can grow in relationship, even if we don’t agree. If we drop  expectations, we are free to relate and learn and grow. If we lift in consciousness, we can be joyful, and if we don’t lift, we can at least be clear.   Either way, we’re in a better place.


4 responses to “Positions and Illusions

  1. I truly believe that most people do the best they can under the circumstances they have at the time.

    And we are, after all, only human — all of us. Making mistakes, sinning, seeking redemption. All of us.

    “There but for the grace of God go I” is what I try to remember to keep myself humble, to remember that I’m no better — or worse — than most other people. That I also have done the best that I could at certain times, given the circumstances, and that I’ve made mistakes, I’ve sinned, and I’ve sought redemption. And then I’ve moved on.

    I much prefer compassion to any of the other choices, Justice. ❤

  2. Pingback: forgiveness and self-forgiveness « Just Enjoy Him: Ramblings of a Mid-Life Mom

  3. So when does the past become the past? How old must it be? Yesterday? 4 months ago? is anything immutable past? What if the past impacts your present?

  4. Now.

    Each word I’ve spoken is in the past. Each breath I’ve breathed is in the past.

    Our understanding and perception of the past is not immutable. What is past is always open to interpretation.

    Our understanding and perception of the past impacts all of us. That’s the part I can work with.

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