Monthly Archives: February 2009

How about a little sunshine?

My daughter’s comment in the linked post warms my heart.  My answer is, well, no.  I am perceptive more than biased.  And I am inspired by my daughter’s post about “privacy” in California.

Our mother/daughter relationship has been the most challenging relationship of my life.  I am learning so much.  It is also one of the most valuable relationships of my life.

She started picking on me yesterday.  *DISCLAIMER* (It was a good thing).  Her crap detector went off and she asked for clarification for my utter nonsense.  Lingering fear and shame was influencing me to act mildly idiotic.   I’ve been so afraid of disappointing her.  Which is potentially annoying at best.

We deserve far better than that.  I deserve to stand on all of my experience, to climb up on top and look around without shame.

She deserves to have her mother conscious and present.

The message of protecting “birth” mothers privacy is debilitating.  I’ve come from the latter part of the “closed era” of adoption.  (Hush hush.  If you just never mention what happened it will be better for all concerned.)

I was also raised to discount myself in favor of taking care of the “less fortunate”.    (Who was in charge of taking those measurements anyway?)

The NCFAA is now talking nonsense about a”Birthmother’s fundamental right to privacy”.  WTF???!!!  They’ve got a six page “refutation” of the basic rights of adoptees to the information on their OWN births!

Who are these members of the “adoption community” that say adults having information on the situations of their births a most “emotional and divisive” debate?  The emotional quality is understandable, if the most basic information of how you came to be in the world is withheld.  The divisive part happened a long time ago,  separating children from their original families.

What “…promises of confidentiality were made to the birthparents at the time of the adoption placement”?  NONE.

Nobody said anything to me at the time of the adoption placement because I wasn’t even there.  Adoption is what seals the records.

Signing the Termination of Parental Rights was the legal part involving me, the “birth” mother.  They didn’t say boo to me about confidentiality when I signed the TPR either.  The TPR doesn’t seal any records.  It just eliminates parental rights.

“…the obvious injustice to birthparents…” in my experience has nothing to do with confidentiality.  Information was withheld from me.   I was told I had no right to contact my child.  I was told contact with me would be harmful to my child.  Do you see the difference?

An attitude of shame and secrecy about my status as an “unwed mother” is ostensibly to protect me?   It kind of sucks to be protected from who I am or who I gave birth to.

Research and interest in the way stigma, prejudice, and discrimination create a hostile and stressful social environment that causes mental health problems has come out regarding HIV, mental health, sexual orientation, etc.

I understand keeping a secret about mental health issues.  Prejudice and discrimination in the workplace is real.  A majority of voters in CA recently shamed us by favoring an ammendment outlawing gay marriage.   I expect that disgrace will be corrected soon.  Families dealing with these well known prejudices are talking and working towards openness because secrecy compounds problems.  Secrecy reinforces shame.

I’ve had more than enough shame for this life.  It is insulting to claim to be protecting a mother, by defrauding her child of her heritage.

Instances of abuse, incest, rape  may have resulted babies born and adopted away from their families.  These conditions may be associated with shame and guilt.  They may warrant keeping some secrets from children.  But when these children grow up, they have the right to deal with reality, if they so choose.

Fraud, secrecy and lies are being uncovered throughout our government and financial dealings.  Our society is floundering, trying to find the solid ground and  meaningful values to guide us through a time of transformation.

Let’s work together towards open records.  It’s something simple.  We can do it.crepuscular_leapaul_468x456_medium-468x456_edited