Facing My Creations

Caring for children, raising children is great creative  expression.  My daughter gave me an idea about creativity being a spiritual expression, that by creating we are emulating our creator.

Raising children can be contributing to the positive growth of a loving human being.

Looking at how this works as a natural but missing mother, I have to go past my own misunderstanding to loving myself.  I have to nurture awareness in myself. Awareness of me and my daughter and everyone else in our families. Before I can do that I have to love myself enough to bear the awareness.  If I had known at the time of relinquishment what I know now…

Many times I have not been able to bear awareness.  I have not had the courage, the heart to face the trauma.  So we have been over and over and over the frightening bits .

I wanted Joy to know I loved her.  I wanted her to feel it and know it, for it to be her reality that she was/is loved.  There have been so many times and ways that it obviously wasn’t getting through.

She did not know that I loved her for a long time.  Nothing in her formative years indicated that I loved her or that I was capable of loving her.  Then we met and were caught in our lies of self sufficiency.  Those lies led to a lot more misunderstanding.

As many times as it takes, as many times as I have to face rejection, as many times as I have to face hurt feelings, as many times as I have to forgive myself and the world I know; for what I have created, is how many times I have to do it.  I have to do it.  There isn’t any other alternative but to go forward.  When she feels rejected I do too.

I go down and touch the sadness that sits next to the old conditioning telling  me I was not good enough for her–that I was undeserving to be her mother.  Then the defensiveness is triggered and I’m fighting to justify myself, to prove that I have a right to hold my head up and breathe the air everyone else that has ever been born has the right to breathe. I have to breathe no matter what, no matter how unconscious I may be.  Breathing my way back to the present, through the pain, until I’m watching myself from an inner distance.  Then I know that I don’t know.  I don’t know how to work this except to keep looking for the good.

And asking.  I am learning to ask for help and for clarification, and that I have the strength to face whatever is in front of me and be whoever I am.

As many touches, as many words, as many hugs, it will be worth it. I am involved in one of the most creative acts possible on Earth.  I am growing myself up to be the most loving momma I can be.   Falling short is part of what I do.  I come to places I can’t bear.  Sometimes I turn away to find a safe place to breathe and rest and come to know the terror and pain can’t last.  They don’t endure.  I do.

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love.         Whoever lives in love lives in God, and god in him. [1 John 4:16]

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3 responses to “Facing My Creations

  1. Very thought provoking post. Thank you for your words.

    learning to love my children better, too.

  2. Wow. I am an adult adoptee in reunion for 20 years. I have just been reading backward from your most recent blogs. This entry was wonderful to read. The part about “as many times as I have to do it, I will do it.” I really loved that. Once a few years into reunion when I was particularly raw and angry (after some guy had rejected me) I responded to my bmother’s perplexed “What do you want from me?” by saying, “Infinite patience. Because that’s what a mother would do.”

    I recently had a moment with my birthmother where, talking about our relationship and trying to explain how weird it was that she was my mother but not my mother, but she WAS my mother, I just said, “It’s weird!” and she said, “I know, it’s weird!” It was kind of a wonderful moment.

    I could go on and on about my own reunion. Too much to say. Anyway, it’s been great for me to read your blog.

  3. Thanks Lisa. Weirdness and patience and going on and on… Yep.

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