Out beyond ideas of right doing and wrong doing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.~ Rumi
This blog is for me to talk about me mostly. It’s very self centered. Once in a while I feel challenged to explain something. Today I feel like I’ve been called out. Whoo hoo am I going to need a shower after this post!
IN her blog my daughter wrote,“’I have no obligation to those people who have treated me like shit, no obligation to expose myself to them again’ …My mother never blogs about that, she has blogged about me being “manipulative and needy” although omits that I have been to her house maybe 3 or 4 times in my entire life. Despite the fact that she doesn’t live that far from me. It is kind of awkward as her husband will lock himself in his room and not even say hello, I guess due to my “neediness” ha! I was there having breakfast once with Tomtom, he was little, and well that is how we were treated. No more”.
(There is much more to her post than the part about me).
I guess she thinks it appropriate for me to blog on the above subject, the horrible treatment she has received from “those people”/my people.
In my first ever blog post I said my husband saw her as “manipulative and needy”. She has held that against me as a cruel thing to have revealed into the blogosphere. I am also manipulative and needy sometimes. So is my husband. It can be a problem. People who think they are above manipulative and needy behavior can be annoying too.
Regretting that I did not have the wisdom and maturity to see through her adolescent posturing when she first called me doesn’t change it. Shame and guilt dominated my behavior.
I have to accept and work with these things, now.
So, as for her visits to my home — Joy visited my parents home once. It was quite stressful for all. She said she planned to visit her grandmother before she died but Grandma died sooner than Joy expected I guess. Or maybe she changed her mind. IDK.
She’s visited me, in my home twice, maybe three times. Two times, quite close together. One time we were expecting her for dinner. I was trying to be as relaxed as I could and pretend it was a normal occurrence. Hum te tum tum
She didn’t show up until the next morning, so I planned a quick breakfast. Now, eight years later, she expresses once again that she was affronted when my husband chose to follow his regular routine that morning instead of joining us for breakfast. We didn’t really know when she was coming and he doesn’t like breakfast anyway.
We live a little bit differently than most I believe. He treasures his alone time. Weekend mornings were especially precious to him. When Buster and Ezzy were little, he and I used to take turns giving each other time alone. They had issues with it as teens.
That weekend morning I spent with Joy and Tomtom, happy to have them to myself and for him to have his time to himself. I didn’t realize Joy’s tension was wrapped up with his absence.
To me, he wasn’t locked away. He was doing his usual thing.
So that’s that.
I hadn’t got the rhythm of Joytime yet– something to not plan on.
I have invited her to come again. She doesn’t want to. A couple years ago she said she wanted to see me when she came through. I invited her for dinner. She declined, saying she didn’t know what time they would arrive. I said I’d make spaghetti, something that could be held till they arrived. Uh, no we don’t know when we’ll get there. But whenever you get here you’ll be hungry. Oh, no I don’t want you to go to the trouble. So I waited for her to call me from her hotel. Then I came a running to meet her at the restaurant where she was having her dinner.
My tendency to drop whatever I am doing to meet Joy has confounded and offended my family and friends. But it’s not really her fault. She never says, “I will be there.” She avoids making commitments. When I try to pin her down, she kind of agrees to a time. But she doesn’t mean it.
She has more to deal with than fits neatly into her life. I don’t fit neatly into her life. Last time we saw each other I thought I had anticipated her concerns. I asked which of the three days I was going to be in town would work best for her. I double checked that. I made all my other plans around her. It didn’t work out very well. We got quite worked up before she let me know her amom was scheduled to arrive the next day!
OK. Excuse me. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. Joy didn’t grow up with me. She doesn’t get the idiosyncratic way we do things. Her siblings and my husband don’t get her idiosyncrasies either.
Joy’s sensitivity is such that she is hurt because my husband doesn’t behave the way she wants. His sensitivity is such that he will continue to take care of himself, even if it flies in the face of her sense of right and wrong.
So right now I’m wondering, what’s next? We’ll see.