Who I am

This discussion about  “coming out” as “a mother who surrendered/abandoned/relinquished/insert your own politically correct word here,” is revealing something to me.  I was out from the get go. My old life was over and I had to make new friends. The world didn’t make sense to me.  I told everyone my story in hopes that they could help me figure things out.

I’ve gradually come to realize the world just isn’t what I thought it was going to be.  It makes a certain limited kind of sense.  But it’s full of pain and confusion and illusions.

I am learning that I am coming to terms with myself more than coming out to the public.  The more I learn to trust myself, the easier everything is.  And that’s the way the world works!  Mastering the world, success in career and society  and relationships etc was an illusion I perpetrated on myself, fooling myself.  I am the master of myself only.  I can love and attend to others.

But it’s only in trusting myself that I can really succeed.

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4 responses to “Who I am

  1. Were you out? Completely? Did everyone you know know about your child? Did you stay home during your pregnancy and go through it with friends and family around? Did everyone around you talk about your child openly or were there hushed tones and avoidance? I dont know your story so perhaps they did. I havent met many mothers (okay, any) who were totally out during their pregnancy. Some sort of shame, guilt, sending, away, lieing, decieving, intimidation, was conducted by the mothers and those around her. Was this not your case?

    I do agree with your point, wholeheartedly, that we need to come out ot ourselves. For me that involves admitting what was done to me , my child and my own part in it. It involves accepting I deserved better and that I matter and I that I have power and voice. It involves standing up for myself, my feelings, my rights and not allowing anyone (my child included) to abuse me again.

    Hugs to you.

  2. Oh no, not with my family. I stayed with a friend about 130 miles away until my 8th month. Then I was sequestered in a more convenient location. After she was born I returned to my parents home for about 4 months before making my break. Her father called on me a couple times in that last month advising me to relinquish. It was awkward for my parents because they were trying to keep everything hush hush. My tendency to blurt is one of the things I have to come to accept.

    I just meant that there was never a time when I personally tried to hide the situation. I didn’t have many friends to begin with. They “moved on” when I got pregnant, except for the one I stayed with 130 miles away.

    I was free to come out because I had to start a new life anyway. There was no baby by then, just a story. So I was just a young woman with a tragic past.

  3. Oh, thanks for the clarification. The way I read it the first time sounded like everyone around you accepted your pregnancy, knew about it, allowed you to talk about it, did not shame you, send you away, etc. That to me is behavior that would have been “out” to me.

    For me, in my case, being sent away, ignored, shamed, discussed behind closed doors, etc. closeted me. I was shamed and put myself into the box/closet they wanted me in.

    Its taken me time to see that it was wrong and that I did nothing wrong by loving a man and conceiving his child. What was done to me, what I allowed to be done to me and my child was very wrong.

    Thanks for the clarification.

  4. That’s how separate I saw myself from my family. They tried to hide (protect) me. I felt like I escaped from them. I couldn’t risk striking out on my own with my baby. But after losing her I had nothing else to lose.

    Hmph. I remember that’s one definition of freedom.

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