Repeating myself

(eta: I was re reading my past posts and realized they are somewhat repetitive.  I may think I’m writing something new, only to discover I’m simply rediscovering an old pattern.) I’m reminded of the (AA?) story about crazy being doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.  I am easily amused. I discover the same things over and over, spiralling around, hopefully getting a bit higher with each spin.

A dear departed friend used to answer the phone with “What’s new and different?”  I love that. I want to be new and different all the time.  I like to order something different each time I go out to dinner.

Sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other is all the new and different I can take. The core of my life is asking myself to step forward, into the Light one more time, to see everything new.

One thing I’ve experienced a lot in reunion was feeling hurt and reactive about failing to meet my daughter’s expectations.  She has a perfect right to be angry with me and has detailed her reasons.  I gave her to strangers. I have been very fallible from the get go, short sighted and selfish.  I let her down. I am her mother and not an ideal one.

Wish I could fix things up, but wishing doesn’t make it so. It seems that screwing up is more regular than fixing, which led to me being a bit of a sad sack character — not much use. Whatever I’m doing I seem to be getting the same results over and over…

So lately I’ve been working on watching my reactions more closely.  Observing the triggers and embracing my feelings instead of judging myself as unsatisfactory.  It’s kind of like “Wow, that’s a lot of energy flowing through my body all of a sudden.”  or “Here I go again! I wonder how many times  that remark will get a rise out of me?”

I also requested that we leave her being angry with me out of our relationship, because as the object of her anger, I haven’t been able to be a neutral observer. I wanted to be noble and helpful and assist her to work through the powerful sadness, to be her witness–but so far it hasn’t worked.

I’ve reacted rather than responded.

I heard from someone that my blog feels uncomfortable to her.  It feels pretty uncomfortable to me a lot of the time too, because I’m using it to pick apart the stuffed up emotions that have overrun me.  Which part is me? Which part is BS?

I just noticed last night that Suz has a further exploration of expectations which is important to me.  I hope to come back to that soon.

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8 responses to “Repeating myself

  1. I suppose there is a reason people repeat themselves.

    What would yours be?

  2. Well, in a general sense, repeating indicates I haven’t learned everything available to me in that situation. I think it would be wise for me to pay closer attention, to observe more carefully so that I can integrate my experience, thereby building a more solid foundation from which to observe and participate more fully.

  3. I am uncomfortable with the way you seem to have a strange relationship with the truth.
    You had a whole post about how you graciously gave Joy a painting (against your better judgment) and what a leap of faith that was for you. Then we learn from Joy that you DIDN’T in fact give her the painting. You gave her a copy. Not the same thing at all. Not the reality you were depicting.
    There are other things. You loved Joy so much yet you made her sit in the back at your father’s funeral. She knew him, right? She had met him many times right? And you wouldn’t let her sit with your family?
    That’s not very nice.
    My mother may be a racist but she would let me sit with the family at a funeral.

    I do not think you are representing reality. I think you are fudging things for public consumption. I think you are trying to make yourself look good and your daughter look like a villain. It shows you *know* how much your actions affect your daughter and that makes it much more cruel.

    And why wouldn’t you help her with her son when she needed it?

  4. Issy, I’ve really appreciated your blog and I appreciate your interest and comments here.

    I don’t know that my relationship with the truth is particularly strange. We each have our reasons, our truths and our beliefs. There is a lot more behind the scenes. A lot. To quote my best HS buddy, “The truth is what you believe”.

    I didn’t see myself as gracious when I gave the Joy a *COPY* of the painting at all. I was conflicted, resentful, frustrated. I’m sorry that wasn’t clearer. The point (if you read the last part of that post) was that I was also *mistaken*.

    *Maybe* I’ll write a post about the memorial service sometime. It was a very painful experience that I’m not ready to go into now.

    If I’m fudging things it’s more for myself than the public. (?) The “reality” I’m presenting is personal. It’s been my story of my experience. I would like to know more specifically how you see me making Joy look like a villain because that is something I want to change.

  5. You really don’t see how the fact that you omitted you gave her a COPY is crucial?
    It changes the entire context of your post and makes me doubt your veracity. This isn’t a case of she said, she said. You both agree that it was indeed a copy of the painting and not the original Joy had requested.
    The fact that you had so much anguish over giving her a copy is even more bizarre. You still have the original to give to the person who you think may some day want it. What did you lose?

    And you keep alluding to the horrible things Joy has done in the past. How the past deeds of a teenager make her unworthy of your love and trust today. This also boggles my mind. It tells me your love for Joy and her son, your grandchild, is very conditional. That’s not my definition of family.
    And it makes me ask, what exactly is it that you want from Joy?

    And also, what is wrong with Joy’s amom coming to visit the day after you come? Why should that affect you? And why is it really any of your business who Joy chooses to have as a houseguest when you are not there?

    Conditions, conditions, conditions.

    I know you don’t like what I am saying here but you did ask.

    And yes, Joy is my friend but we are not even close to being the same person. I think she would tell you that herself if you asked her.

  6. Issy,
    I agree my agonizing over the COPY of the picture was bizarre. There is a lot of bizarre in me. And I don’t feel that I lost anything by giving Joy the copy. I gained actually.

    I don’t know what allusions you’re referring to are. What I want for Joy is for her to take loving care of herself. Having bother her moms show up one day after the other appeared to be very stressful for her. As her friend maybe you can ask her about that.

    I was clearly aware that you are not the same as she, even before she told me. Nor am I the same as any other mother.

  7. Whoops. Bother her moms=both her moms. I guess I felt we were both a bit of a bother.

  8. Joy has never been unworthy of love, no matter what she does or says. No matter what I do or say. She is a marvelous human being.

    Trust is something I have to develop within myself.

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