(eta: I was re reading my past posts and realized they are somewhat repetitive. I may think I’m writing something new, only to discover I’m simply rediscovering an old pattern.) I’m reminded of the (AA?) story about crazy being doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I am easily amused. I discover the same things over and over, spiralling around, hopefully getting a bit higher with each spin.
A dear departed friend used to answer the phone with “What’s new and different?” I love that. I want to be new and different all the time. I like to order something different each time I go out to dinner.
Sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other is all the new and different I can take. The core of my life is asking myself to step forward, into the Light one more time, to see everything new.
One thing I’ve experienced a lot in reunion was feeling hurt and reactive about failing to meet my daughter’s expectations. She has a perfect right to be angry with me and has detailed her reasons. I gave her to strangers. I have been very fallible from the get go, short sighted and selfish. I let her down. I am her mother and not an ideal one.
Wish I could fix things up, but wishing doesn’t make it so. It seems that screwing up is more regular than fixing, which led to me being a bit of a sad sack character — not much use. Whatever I’m doing I seem to be getting the same results over and over…
So lately I’ve been working on watching my reactions more closely. Observing the triggers and embracing my feelings instead of judging myself as unsatisfactory. It’s kind of like “Wow, that’s a lot of energy flowing through my body all of a sudden.” or “Here I go again! I wonder how many times that remark will get a rise out of me?”
I also requested that we leave her being angry with me out of our relationship, because as the object of her anger, I haven’t been able to be a neutral observer. I wanted to be noble and helpful and assist her to work through the powerful sadness, to be her witness–but so far it hasn’t worked.
I’ve reacted rather than responded.
I heard from someone that my blog feels uncomfortable to her. It feels pretty uncomfortable to me a lot of the time too, because I’m using it to pick apart the stuffed up emotions that have overrun me. Which part is me? Which part is BS?
I just noticed last night that Suz has a further exploration of expectations which is important to me. I hope to come back to that soon.