Monthly Archives: February 2010

breathe in again

I may be blogged out–

the demons have been expressed, examined and exorcised.  My purpose here has been fulfilled.

Now I’m washed up on the shore of reunion; a story as long as we both shall live…

I’m learning to stand back, to see Joy as her own person, roaming and ranging way beyond me.

We each check things out in our own way. 

I don’t spend a lot of time being serious or worrying, though my emotions get triggered easily.  I often catch myself pursing my lips or raising my shoulders or clenching my pelvis and then I let it go.  I relax and let things be what they are.  When I’m quiet  joy in others and situations circles around in my awareness.  When things get really tense, I can go to a dance class and it’s like an emotional colonic.

I choose to have fun.

I’ve been  criticized for “making fun of a situation”. I have to agree.  If I’m going to do something, I’m going to have fun doing it. Sometimes it means I make fun of things. I would rather have fun. I don’t have a lot of patience for serious and somber.

This has be really challenging in reunion.  I’ve made a lot of  mistakes, been unprepared for a lot of things.

Spending time singing the blues is one way to lift out of them. Combining beauty with pain can transcend to beautiful.   I heard Tracy Nelson cover Memphis Slim’s Mother Earth in ’69.  I can’t find her version, only hear inside me or I’d share it.

Back to the challenge bit ~ I get distracted easily.  I find delight in my surroundings and my thoughts.  I choose delight rather than doggedly pursue some never ending pattern of despair.  There is no ultimate, final conclusion to this circle of life, except that death bit. Yep, the circle of life – and its abrupt end.  We really don’t know what happens then either.  Hmmmmm, interesting. So, yeah I get distracted. The worst thing my father ever said to me when I was about 15-16 y.o. was, “You’re a dilettante!” He spat it out.  We didn’t know about ADD in those days.  Ritalin was not yet widely accepted, thank God.

The middle school they wanted to test my raised son for ADD, thinking if they could just get him on some meds they could bring him down to their level.  We survived those days drug free too.

I don’t think there really is a significant bottom of things.  They mostly just recycle.  Things need to be expressed, pressures relieved, experiences acknowledged and learned from.  Sometimes I ask for an ear to listen to me.  I need to listen to myself, so that I can uncover what’s inside me. Some of the things I say are a bunch of hooie.  But I still need to say them to find out what a bunch of hooie I was tending inside. That’s part of learning and growing.

What can I learn from reunion? What can I learn from Joy? How can I go forward, from this point?

I want to flow with whatever is happening with my daughter, without expectations or judging our communication. I don’t want to inflict my point of view.

Can I experience and learn from whatever comes my way? I know that everything that has happened in our reunion can be used to learn. It’s all valuable.  There is great freedom for me in that. I am living freer and more fully than ever before.

But Joy and I are definitely not having a ‘good’ time. I do not want to hurt her.

Lately it seems that everything I say hurts her.  Just my being is offensive to her.  So I’m going to try out being quiet. Here.