Monthly Archives: April 2010

Blogging and Grace

Why I blog:
I started blogging summer of ’06, at my DD’s suggestion.  My debut post is here.  I tripped over myself from the get go, blurting out things as they came up, without anticipating how they would sound to my DD. No plan, just a desire to express myself.  Being Me in the header described what I wanted to do. I jumped in without even titling the first post. Expressing my thoughts and feelings to get to know myself better; to uncover myself and explore. I don’t have a message or an agenda, aside from getting free of the thoughts and feelings that inhibit my conscious awareness.
I admire the political activism of some bloggers I come across. But that’s not what I’m doing.
I was not always gracious. Gracious is a word DD used to describe her amom, (who I am no longer trying to compete with). I just wanted to quit hiding things that were stuck and painful. I wanted to tell my story. I see my blog as an action of asserting myself; saying here I am.
I want to claim my story.

Exploring damages and recovery.  I do not have the graciousness to take her sensitivity into consideration a lot of the time.  My own hurt feelings get in my way. She couldn’t conceive of me being so powerless.  In her mind I was her mother, a powerful figure. I represented power to her. I blew it.
She’s been reminding me of her former lover’s opinion that my blog is an act of aggression, softening it today as only partially a desire to “counter” her view. This is a very rich topic.  IRL I question her view often because I see things so differently. Mothers do that. They see things differently than their children do. That can be either good or bad, another rich topic.
I think online aggression would be using words perceived as rejecting, isolating or blaming. I must admit to all of that.  I have not always been inclusive. I have not always seen my responsibilities. In fact that is part of the reason I blog. It’s a way to learn, to open up my blind spots. Sometimes I see things differently simply because I’ve said them. Sometimes words are perceived differently than they were intended. I appreciate getting comments that help me see things from other angles.
We want to be accepted and included and we’re both triggered easily by hints of  blame or rejection.
DD has active relationships with her peers online and I am grateful she gets support from them. I am terrifically impressed with her SH’s tender practicality when she is stressed.
One of the outcomes I aspire to in blogging is to clear up our misunderstandings, especially the ones inside me, so that I can be more sensitive and gracious to my beloved DD.

Triggers and Damages

Resurrecting myself today and exploring a sentiment expressed in an adoptee’s comment on an adoptee blog.  She said she needed to know her mother was destroyed by losing her to adoption.

If her mother had been totally destroyed she would have no mother.  She does have a mother, one that she appears to value in part because of the damage she suffered at losing her daughter. I am grateful that her mother is able to reveal the irreparable harm she suffered in a way that makes her daughter feel loved. They are a lucky pair.

Any woman surrendering her child is wounded.  Each one heals in their own way to differing extents. There are scars.  In our vanity some try to hide the scars, fearing that our wounds and scars make us less desirable, less lovable. That hiding in itself is a way to make us appear less than who we are. When we hide our damages, we don’t allow them to be loved. Our scars are part of us, not necessarily the part we put out for the world to see.

Good Friday felt like getting nailed. The lead in was DD asking if I get triggered by stories of our separate pasts.  Like hearing about her childhood? Yeah.

I’ve tried hard not to fall apart, to be “strong”. I’m supposed to be The Mother. But I usually don’t really know what that means. Maybe I’m supposed to be the destroyed mother and the unconditionally loving mother at the same time. How do I make up for being the abandoning mother~suffering  and supporting and giving at the same time? I’m not sure how. I don’t feel at all successful in that. I don’t find myself qualified.

It’s similar to trying to figure out how to write here ~ of myself, for myself, knowing that DD may read it and find in it something triggering.  How do I be myself, my damaged and imperfect self? How do I bear to be myself when that may be a trigger to more sorrow for her?

There have been periods when I couldn’t bear to read her blog because yes, it can be very “triggering”. Friday’s conversation was “triggering”. Holy Saturday I put my wounded self in the tomb/womb. Today is my day for rebirth, to open myself to God’s loving presence and share who I am right now. Willingness to be exactly who I am is my protection.

I am triggered at times. I am damaged and scarred. I am perfectly moving through the confusion and struggle to be a good mother.  I have not been the mother I wished to be for DD. Giving her up for adoption was not what I wanted. I trusted that she would be better off without me. I didn’t trust me.

The one thing I wish I could give her is to feel loved.  I failed to do that so far.

We seem to counter each other rather than work together.  We take each other the wrong way.  Each time I jump in with an idea of a step forward I am blocked by my history.  I will wait and hope that she comes out strong enough to look past my scars and that we can some day see the radiant beauty and loving that we really are.