Resurrecting myself today and exploring a sentiment expressed in an adoptee’s comment on an adoptee blog. She said she needed to know her mother was destroyed by losing her to adoption.
If her mother had been totally destroyed she would have no mother. She does have a mother, one that she appears to value in part because of the damage she suffered at losing her daughter. I am grateful that her mother is able to reveal the irreparable harm she suffered in a way that makes her daughter feel loved. They are a lucky pair.
Any woman surrendering her child is wounded. Each one heals in their own way to differing extents. There are scars. In our vanity some try to hide the scars, fearing that our wounds and scars make us less desirable, less lovable. That hiding in itself is a way to make us appear less than who we are. When we hide our damages, we don’t allow them to be loved. Our scars are part of us, not necessarily the part we put out for the world to see.
Good Friday felt like getting nailed. The lead in was DD asking if I get triggered by stories of our separate pasts. Like hearing about her childhood? Yeah.
I’ve tried hard not to fall apart, to be “strong”. I’m supposed to be The Mother. But I usually don’t really know what that means. Maybe I’m supposed to be the destroyed mother and the unconditionally loving mother at the same time. How do I make up for being the abandoning mother~suffering and supporting and giving at the same time? I’m not sure how. I don’t feel at all successful in that. I don’t find myself qualified.
It’s similar to trying to figure out how to write here ~ of myself, for myself, knowing that DD may read it and find in it something triggering. How do I be myself, my damaged and imperfect self? How do I bear to be myself when that may be a trigger to more sorrow for her?
There have been periods when I couldn’t bear to read her blog because yes, it can be very “triggering”. Friday’s conversation was “triggering”. Holy Saturday I put my wounded self in the tomb/womb. Today is my day for rebirth, to open myself to God’s loving presence and share who I am right now. Willingness to be exactly who I am is my protection.
I am triggered at times. I am damaged and scarred. I am perfectly moving through the confusion and struggle to be a good mother. I have not been the mother I wished to be for DD. Giving her up for adoption was not what I wanted. I trusted that she would be better off without me. I didn’t trust me.
The one thing I wish I could give her is to feel loved. I failed to do that so far.
We seem to counter each other rather than work together. We take each other the wrong way. Each time I jump in with an idea of a step forward I am blocked by my history. I will wait and hope that she comes out strong enough to look past my scars and that we can some day see the radiant beauty and loving that we really are.