Blogging and Grace

Why I blog:
I started blogging summer of ’06, at my DD’s suggestion.  My debut post is here.  I tripped over myself from the get go, blurting out things as they came up, without anticipating how they would sound to my DD. No plan, just a desire to express myself.  Being Me in the header described what I wanted to do. I jumped in without even titling the first post. Expressing my thoughts and feelings to get to know myself better; to uncover myself and explore. I don’t have a message or an agenda, aside from getting free of the thoughts and feelings that inhibit my conscious awareness.
I admire the political activism of some bloggers I come across. But that’s not what I’m doing.
I was not always gracious. Gracious is a word DD used to describe her amom, (who I am no longer trying to compete with). I just wanted to quit hiding things that were stuck and painful. I wanted to tell my story. I see my blog as an action of asserting myself; saying here I am.
I want to claim my story.

Exploring damages and recovery.  I do not have the graciousness to take her sensitivity into consideration a lot of the time.  My own hurt feelings get in my way. She couldn’t conceive of me being so powerless.  In her mind I was her mother, a powerful figure. I represented power to her. I blew it.
She’s been reminding me of her former lover’s opinion that my blog is an act of aggression, softening it today as only partially a desire to “counter” her view. This is a very rich topic.  IRL I question her view often because I see things so differently. Mothers do that. They see things differently than their children do. That can be either good or bad, another rich topic.
I think online aggression would be using words perceived as rejecting, isolating or blaming. I must admit to all of that.  I have not always been inclusive. I have not always seen my responsibilities. In fact that is part of the reason I blog. It’s a way to learn, to open up my blind spots. Sometimes I see things differently simply because I’ve said them. Sometimes words are perceived differently than they were intended. I appreciate getting comments that help me see things from other angles.
We want to be accepted and included and we’re both triggered easily by hints of  blame or rejection.
DD has active relationships with her peers online and I am grateful she gets support from them. I am terrifically impressed with her SH’s tender practicality when she is stressed.
One of the outcomes I aspire to in blogging is to clear up our misunderstandings, especially the ones inside me, so that I can be more sensitive and gracious to my beloved DD.
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2 responses to “Blogging and Grace

  1. I went back to read your first post. I could have written parts of it myself. Some of your story is like mine. Sad that we share such stuff.

    Joy’s comment resonated with me:

    “Nobody wants to stone you, you have been through hell, so have all these people, that’s why we are here.”

    Truer words have not been spoken. That is why I am here too.

  2. It does my heart good to see you blogging again…

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