When my DD declares that I am the source of her troubles, I frequently react. It refutes my beliefs and understanding of myself as a “good” person. I struggle to find a new balance. What is this power she is handing me? I am the source, the god, of her brokenness. I am her creator. I am the reason she isn’t whole.
My third grade sunday school class memorized Psalm 121 ~
|1||I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills,
|2||My help cometh from the LORD,
It wasn’t until I was in college that I realized it said my help comes from the Lord. Up until then I heard it with a period at the end of the first sentence instead of a question mark. My help comes from the Lord, the source of creation, that which made heaven and earth (and the hills). Well yeah, sometimes my help does come from the hills. I was in the coast range when I figured this out anyway. I was in the Sierras the first time I was aware of the creator.
Today I checked out some youtube buddhism for reassurance. I don’t fancy myself a buddhist, because I find attending to the source of all creation to be very useful and as far as I can tell Buddha doesn’t go there. All the same, Buddhist teachings are also very useful, especially in dealing with the mind. Am I a good person? Just like my dog is a good dog, I am a good person because I am a person day in and day out. I don’t give it up for a moment.