Back on May 16 a blog conversation got started that I didn’t find out about until now. By the time I discovered it, it had been closed. And I really wanted to see where it might go, so I’m hopefully moving it on over here via summarizing and paraphrasing. (If I’ve got it wrong, please correct me.)
It was sparked by a comment by a first mother, that first mothers get a lot more respect in the abstract than in concrete face to face reality. That comment was acknowledged by an adoptee, who was then mocked elicited a mildly ironic comment by a woman who is apparently successfully navigating being both a relinquishing and an adoptive mom.
The next commenter took a pragmatic approach remarking that reunion happens even in transnational adoptions and advised aparents to check their expectations of how their children will deal with it.
Then the question of whether the exception proves the rule was raised. As the first bio/adoptive mother claims a cordial relationship with her relinquished child’s adoptive parents. She may not want her experience to be discounted as an anomaly.
The adoptee replied that she couldn’t imagine the awkwardness of having both her biological and adoptive parents in the same room. ( My own DD has expressed a similar thought, as have others.) She explained that there was interest only on the biological side and she was(*understandably*) reluctant to deal with the pressure it would put her under.
Then due to other issues the conversation stopped. And I really thought it was just getting interesting. It’s interesting to me anyway. Two things come to mind for me.
First mothers in Open Adoption seem to get sold a bill of goods about the joys of being involved, watching their relinquished children grow up, from the wings. Then the reality hits that watching someone else raise your kids can hurt like hell. It tears them up when it goes well. And then there’s when it gets closed down in their faces.
I’ve heard murmurs/rumors that it is extremely rare for adoptees to be able to maintain good relationships with both their bio and adoptive families. The best reunions seem to result in major breaches with adoptive families. Adoptees in warm loving relationships with their adoptive parents tend not to enjoy such relations with their bios.
I would really like to hear from others about this stuff.
And now just because I love to shake that thing, a little Blues Project! Yeah!
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