Bright Side of the Road

Although the statement “Turn that frown upside down” always repulsed me, I think it described my plan. From the start of our reunion twenty years ago, I thought that somehow I could learn to be patient enough, kind enough, and hang in long enough to change our reunion relationship to one of comfort and joy.  Based on results, I’ve been wrong all along. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

My naïve and selfish desire to switch out her pain and avoidance through a welcoming embrace was doomed by shortsightedness.  Fumbling through the rebirth of my aborted motherhood, I took her at her word instead of looking past the façade to the frightened child. I was “the adult”, but I didn’t act like it. I acted like the scared teenager. She was the scared teenager.

As it turns out, I’m not that patient or kind. I react and get my feelings hurt very easily. I get defensive and protective. I pretend that everything is fine when it’s not because I’m supposed to be the adult. I’m supposed to be ok. Instead I get scared and wish things would be easier. I get angry feeling I’m being pushed into a box, limited and judged. And I get tired of all of it.

What I understand is she is angry about the way I make me look good.  Having goodness in my life is not the problem. The problem is that it’s “at (her) expense”. I need to accept my responsibility for our relationship. I can’t blame her for my troubles. It’s certainly not her fault when I don’t get what I want.

I am pretty accustomed to it, but you can’t always get what you want. It is NOT my daughter’s fault that our reunion has not been all peaches and cream.

Yikes. That old bugaboo of what I think I’m supposed to be (ie. the adult) is still fooling me! Good lord I AM an adult. This is what adult is. No wonder we’re in trouble.

I am still here though, warts and all. Although I do have an appt next month to get a few blemishes burned off.

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3 responses to “Bright Side of the Road

  1. ” Fumbling through the rebirth of my aborted motherhood” Love, love, love that description!

    That is exactly what I was also doing when first reunited with my son. Well, actually, I still find myself fumbling…

    It is so hard to be the adult, to be the parent sometimes. All this reunion stuff throws us right back to the teenager we were when we lost our children. It became easier for me when I was able to separate the baby I lost from the man I was getting to know.

    Susie

  2. Oh, I have always loved this song.

    Yes, I will help you share your load.

    what is this? Some crazy lip sync, by a person in a small condo, a person not as special like Van Morrison? A person like us.

    I am very fond of this video.

  3. This is so incredibly honest that I don’t know what to say, except you can only do the best you can as the person you are.

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