Round and round and round we go.
DD introduced me to blogging about adoption in 2006, a safe place to explore myself and adoption issues was a revelation. I learned a lot through reading others’ experiences as well as hashing through mine.
Now, the more things change, the more they stay the same. If there was a honeymoon in our reunion, it came in late, when I started blogging. It also marked the first time I really tried to integrate DD into my now grown up family. Things seemed to be starting to resolve. Some heavenly moments fed delightful fantasies.
The fantasies fed delusions about my ability and influence.
I’m weary of reacting. I’m looking out for a new vantage point. Getting up off my duff and letting go of the way I thought things were supposed to be.
While I’ve been waiting for things to “get better” I missed a lot. I wish I’d taken more risks and worked my relationship with my grandson separately from my relationship with his mom. It wasn’t entirely up to me. But I could have taken more initiative. I could have been more courageous. I could have been more courageous in a lot of reunion issues.
Hoping things will get better, waiting for things to get better, expecting things to improve in reunion is wearing thin. I found myself thinking maybe I should quit blogging — until things get better in our reunion (!?!) Those anticipated future fantasies aren’t real.
I have spent more time and energy trying to figure out how to build, improve, nurture reunion than I have on anything else in the world. Yet the sense of trust and safety DD & I have with each other seems to see no improvement. We do truly love one another and we don’t get on well. Are we too much alike? Or too different? I don’t know. For one reason or more, the damages or the differences or the whole shooting match, it’s still beyond me.
It is time to quit waiting for things to change. Time to embrace reality. This is our reunion. This is our relationship.
Part of our blogging deal is to be secret, an outgrowth of the original adoption pact; to never know my own daughter. Secret identities have been part of her entire life. Secrets are not my forte. For a while I thought one thing I did right in the beginning of reunion was not keep anything a secret. But actually that didn’t go right either. I revealed too much.
This period of secret identities has been a different way of paying attention in the world, going public but undercover. Blogging about my personal adoption experience has lessons about being more disciplined and thoughtful. Even though I kept a secret identity, the blog has been selfish, just for me — And for myself I work at figuring out how my expression and exploration may impact DD. When the impact appears negative, I’ve wondered if I could write for her rather than for me.
Nope. She speaks for herself and I must speak for me.
This very personal blog of my own confounding reunion provided an opportunity to express and learn. I’ve learned that I don’t know what’s going on. I’m feeling complete in this space.
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