I’ve got to pay attention now

The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.  ~ Paul Valery

Round and round and round we go.

DD introduced me to blogging about adoption in 2006, a safe place to explore myself and adoption issues was a revelation.  I learned a lot through reading others’ experiences as well as hashing through mine.

Now, the more things change, the more they stay the same. If there was a honeymoon in our reunion,  it came in late, when I started blogging. It also marked the first time I really tried to integrate DD into my now grown up family. Things seemed to be starting to resolve. Some heavenly moments fed delightful fantasies.

The fantasies fed delusions about my ability and influence.

I’m weary of reacting. I’m looking out for a new vantage point. Getting up off my duff and letting go of the way I thought things were supposed to be.

While I’ve been waiting for things to “get better” I missed a lot.  I wish I’d taken more risks and worked my relationship with my grandson separately from my relationship with his mom.  It wasn’t entirely up to me. But I could have taken more initiative. I could have been more courageous. I could have been more courageous in a lot of reunion issues.

Hoping things will get better, waiting for things to get better, expecting things to improve in reunion is wearing thin. I found myself thinking maybe I should quit blogging — until things get better in our reunion (!?!)  Those anticipated future fantasies aren’t real.

I have spent more time and energy trying to figure out how to build, improve, nurture reunion than I have on  anything else in the world. Yet the sense of trust and safety DD & I have with each other seems to see no improvement. We do truly love one another and we don’t get on well.  Are we too much alike? Or too different? I don’t know. For one reason or more, the damages or the differences or the whole shooting match, it’s still beyond me.

It is time to quit waiting for things to change. Time to embrace reality. This is our reunion. This is our relationship.

Part of our blogging deal is to be secret, an outgrowth of the original adoption pact; to never know my own daughter.  Secret identities have been part of her entire life. Secrets are not my forte. For a while I thought one thing I did right in the beginning of reunion was not keep anything a secret. But actually that didn’t go right either. I revealed too much.

This period of secret identities has been a different way of paying attention in the world, going public but undercover. Blogging about my personal adoption experience has  lessons  about being more disciplined and thoughtful. Even though I kept a secret identity, the blog has been selfish, just for me — And for myself I work at figuring out how my expression and exploration may impact DD. When the impact appears negative, I’ve wondered if I could write for her rather than for me.

Nope. She speaks for herself and I must speak for me.

This very personal blog of my own confounding reunion provided an opportunity to express and learn. I’ve learned that I don’t know what’s going on. I’m feeling complete in this space.

I am newly in love with Janelle Monae. And whether I’m high or low, I got to tip on…


2 responses to “I’ve got to pay attention now

  1. Dear JMomma,

    I’m sorry to hear that the dreams and fantasies you had for you and your daughter in reunion, are not going to come to fruition. I have come to this conclusion in my own reunion, unfortunately it took my two cutting off contact to make me realize that I am fighting for something that does not exist, my dream of having my family back intact, of having a good relationship with both of my now adult adopted out children.

    It is a hard pill to swallow, knowing that things will not improve. There have been too many years, and too much seperation. Twenty-six years of living as another family’s son and daughter, they will never be my son and daughter again, at least not in the sense that I would like. They only see me now as the woman who gave birth to them, and then gave them away.

    Now that they know me, they fight the similarities in our personalities and character, it is as if they wish to cut that part of themselves out of their bodies, to remove it completely so that they can now fit more completely with their adopted family.

    For all of my welcoming, for all of my desire to include them, to bring them back into the family; all they see is a person who refuses to accept the reality that I am no longer their Mother.

    How long have you been in reunion, I read a reference to 16 years in your post. Has it been longer, and still with no change? I am so sorry for the pain I know that you feel. I am so sorry for the defeat that you must feel, in coming to realize that what you have is all there is going to be.

    I’d love to read your other blog is you ever want to share. I just started my blog a few months ago, trying to make sense of my reunion experience and how things went so horribly wrong.

    Reading your blog today, I realize that perhaps it is not that things have gone horribly wrong but perhaps it is time to accept that the way it is, is all there is. And rather than continue to fight for my family, I would be better off accepting that my family, as I have dreamed, will never exist again. Somehow I must accept this, for my own sake.

    from She’s Come Undone

  2. My DD called me in the early ’90s. I’ve been here at wordpress since May 2007. http://eyesonfreedom.blogspot.com/ is my first blog.

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